I am glad for many things....

Gabby is showing an interest in potty training. This is fabulous. I'd love to have one less child in diapers.




She's showing control, but doesn't always tell me she wants to go (except when she's supposed to be in bed asleep) but that's ok. One day at a time. And then she got sick with the stomach flu last week, and so we suffered a minor setback. Still ok, these things happen. I realized the other day that I was pretty glad for some wonderful things. Sunlight gleaming through clean windows - even sunlight gleaming through dirty windows can be nice.

Cans and bottles and boxes of food stacked neatly in closets and small places as an insurance policy. Ward choir and singing. The songs that run through my head all week long.

Sleeping children - one of the most beautiful things to behold on earth is a sleeping child. Digital scrapbooking freebies. The view from my driveway

to the north.....

and to the south.....

55 degree weather. Sophia's smile. I am sooo glad that I have nothing scheduled on my calendar today, when everybody but Sophia is home sick. I am glad for bread rising in the oven (and my mouth is watering). In a nutshell, I am glad for many things, my heart sings.

At least I still have my sense of humor

Today is just one more day that I dangle over the precipice of a nervous breakdown. I wish it would just happen already. I just can't catch a break.

I'm not sure why "Be On Task" is such a difficult concept, but these kids aren't getting it. Again we were rushing around this morning trying to get out the door to school on time, and nobody's homework was finished or where it was supposed to be, and nobody could find their clothes, and nobody had anything good to say about the hot cereal we were having for breakfast. And "somebody" didn't run the dishwasher last night, so there were no clean dishes. I thought I'd be organized and put in a load of laundry this morning, only to find that the washer isn't rinsing and spinning properly. Now, in its defense, I do have to say that "washer" and "dryer" are 14 years old and have been faithful for all those years. But I still have to rinse and wring by hand the entire load of towels that is sitting in there waiting for me.

After specifically asking Sophia if she had put her stuff away this morning, and receiving an answer in the affirmative, I got to call my close friends at Poison Control (1-800-222-1222) and talk with them about Gabby's mid-morning snack of Secret Platinum Clear Gel, which she found on Sophia's bathroom counter, not to be confused with her early morning snack of chapstick, of which she ate a whole tube.

And my van is making a scary sound. I hate that.

And then I was thinking this morning right after Alanna hit Ellie because Ellie was trying to move Alanna's backpack that wasn't where it was supposed to be and "I'm on the verge of a breakdown" went through my head. I thought, "why am I always just "on the verge?" Why doesn't it ever actually happen? I could sure use the break." And then I thought that maybe it is because my kids need me too much, and so there you have it. I can't have a breakdown. But just in case I'm wrong, I'll send you a note from my padded cell.

Musings.....

I've had quite a few mild experiences over the past week (as opposed to some of the not so mild ones - think garage door). Some, you've already suffered through reading. But since this blog also kind of doubles as my journal right now, I've decided to add a few.

We had our ward conferences last Sunday, and as they asked for a sustaining vote for President Monson as prophet, seer, and revelator, it was as if electricity shot through me. I suppose the last time I sustained a new prophet I was less aware of things (ah, the wisdom of age) and it didn't affect me in the same way that this time did. Although I already miss President Hinckley and his eternally cheerful spirit, I'm excited to see what President Monson brings to the table.

Speaking of church....I've felt, I don't know....MOVED lately to be more prepared for emergencies, and have been compiling lists of things that we may want to store, foods that we need to obtain, etc. We had a rather unique experience on Wednesday that was helpful in this regard. We experienced a freak winter storm in Utah, and Saratoga Springs/Eagle Mountain was right in the middle of it. It began about 3:00 p.m. as I was preparing to pick up Alanna from school. I was then planning to run to the Smith's for a few groceries for dinner. As I approached the street the school was on I registered that traffic was backed up all the way down the street and around the corner, and it wasn't moving. I sat there a few minutes and turned around and went back towards home, and then around the back way to the school. By the time I got there, Alanna was nowhere to be found. The snow that was falling in little flurries when I left home, had become "whiteout" conditions, and visibility was non-existant. I waited for a while there, thinking that eventually she'd come back to where she was supposed to be if I waited, but she didn't come. I drove around to the front of the school, but couldn't see anything, so returned to the back. Parked and started walking to the front to see if I could see her. Got soaked, and eventually through phone calls to the office, she was redirected to the back of the school and we were reunited. I decided that I was too wet and cold to go to the store and we went home, where we shortly lost power. Now, in case this wasn't exciting enough, Mario called and told me that his car had died on the freeway, about the same time our power went out (4:00 p.m.). So while he was trying to find a tow truck, I was trying to find our camp stove. By the time I found it, it was getting dark and colder and I decided that I wasn't going to open the garage and cook in the cold, even if I could figure out in the dark how to hook it up and use it, so we got lanterns and sleeping bags and headed inside the house. We dined on cold cereal and milk, and then I read the kids stories by lantern-light and sent them to bed. I turned on the radio and was listening to the reports. It was unbelievable. Long story short (well, shorter anyway) Mario waited 4 hours for a tow truck, and then it took them 4 hours to drive from 53rd S. on I-15 to home. He made it just before midnight. And our electricity came on sometime between then and 1:00 a.m. I learned that I need to know how to use the emergency equipment and know where it is. Mario and I also spent Saturday taking an inventory of our food storage and then organizing it so we can use and rotate it. Mario's car cost $168.99 to fix. $3.99 for the part, and $165.00 for the tow. Fortunately we weren't charged by the hour.

I chopped all my hair off on Saturday. I've spent the last 8 months growing it, thinking that I'll like it long, and like doing different things with it, but if I'm honest with myself, I know that I hate it in my face and I hate it on my neck, and I love it short and sassy. I feel more like a person and less like a frowzy "mom" with it short. I'm also hoping that it will kick me in the butt again and get me going on my weight loss. I lost 10 lbs. last month, but the last couple of weeks, between illness and all the unexpected stress have derailed me. So I'm getting back on the horse and I'm going to have a good week.

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will.......

So, I'm sitting here blubbering because (strap into your seat belts please) I fought with myself for 30 minutes this morning about whether to get up and exercise or not, and by the time I did I only got 16 1/2 minutes in before I had to go for family prayer, and the kids wouldn't get going on their before school preparations, they grumbled over piano practice, complained about breakfast choices,one was whining about what was available to take for home lunch, the same one had no clean clothes this morning and so I washed and was drying them, but the dryer is on the fritz and they weren't dry by the time she needed to dress to leave and we were running late and one was messing around and didn't have shoes on, and then the same one was messing around and didn't have her seat belt buckled (do we sense a theme here), and one started screaming that school started in five minutes and so I started backing out of the garage before the door was all the way up and couldn't figure out what I hit, but once I did, I said a bad word that my children have now been exposed to, and the garage door wouldn't close, so I had to leave it wide open while I ran the kids to school, then I came home and got the expected response from my significant other, which wasn't nearly as supportive and concerned about my mental health as I had hoped it would be, and today is just another in a string of days when I feel like it doesn't matter what I do, it doesn't make a difference, and it isn't good enough and doesn't change except to make me feel like I am eternally losing my mind, and forever a day late and a dollar short. I'm also writing a manual on "Creating Run-on Sentances." In addition, I am mad at myself for ignoring the little voice (hmmm, who could that have been) that said "hit the button for the garage door" when I walked out the door. I thought, "no, Gabby will take off running and I'll have to chase her to get her buckled in the car, so I'll wait until I get into the car to open it." It seems that the more I try to be organized, the less I am. The more I try to get things done, the less I actually do. It seems like there's no point in continuing to try. Then I came across this:

Even if our efforts of attention seem for
years to be producing no result, one day a light that is in exact proportion to them will flood the soul-

Simone Weil

So there it is....my "angel with the cattle-prod" (thanks for the phrase, Dad) that will somehow keep me going. I don't know how, I don't know why, but if I can just keep going and remember to find joy in the journey, maybe I'll make it. Maybe the "lights" of these 6 dancing princesses will one day reflect my pitiful efforts.

OK, I've stepped back from the edge. Blogging must be good therapy.